It's like never wearing your favourite perfume

And I have decided that not only am I going to wear my favourite perfume, I'm going to bathe in it.

What I mean is, for the first time in my life, I've decided to throw in my gloves of control - always needing so much control over my life. I think it is eating me alive. Being in Paris has put me in an uncomfortable situation and I believe we learn the most from learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Side note: I can absolutely dedicate that lesson to my four years of Bikram Yoga.

In these past few months in Paris, I have felt the most out of control of my life, ever. I have had bursts of emotions and vulnerabilities. Insanities and manic episodes. Tears of happiness and the saddest I've ever been. I've self diagnosed myself as crazy, depressed, obsessed, the best. I've done it all!

And I think now I have finally come to the feeling, not just the idea, but the feeling, that I am going to, for the first time in my life, spend my savings and enjoy every god damn penny of it. I have worked every single day since I was 13 when my father was diagnosed with an illness (he's better now) and I have always stashed money with a fear that maybe one day there will be an emergency and that money will be needed. In a sense, I guess I've hoarded it. (I think, now that I write this, I've done this with a few things...that's a different post.) There have been emergencies and tragedies but that money has never been needed. Things have worked out and found their place. So, having explored and experienced many emotions in the past few months, I have decided I am going to spend that money and enjoy it. I am going to make the most of my time in Paris and not let the French get the best of me. I'm going to travel Europe, meet friends, visit family, buy pretty things, take poorly paid jobs and just be me. I'm going to let the Universe drive and I will enjoy the ride.

I have always been one to believe in the universe. I'll never forget as a kid missing out on a birthday party and being so upset saying "it's ok, when one door closes another will open", but even though I have always believed this, in my deep down gut and heart of hearts, in those conversations with myself, I am always fighting for control. So, to add to my list of things I'm learning in life, now is my chapter of letting go.

I am excited. I am scared.